You are about to discover that living in the suburbs is a whole lot funnier than you ever thought possible. For this country’s 145,892,494 (give or take) suburbanites, Mark Falanga is an utterly deadpan (and thoroughly entertaining) spokesman. Mark Falanga is a slick urban dweller, at the top of his game professionally, with a gorgeous corporate executive wife and a hip coterie in the coolest neighborhood in the city. But when baby makes three, Mark and his family enter the twilight zone called the suburbs, where public schools are good, many wives stay home, and children ride their tricycles in the driveway. Nothing is the same ever again. With the dry wit of David Sedaris, and Dave Barry’s love of the absurd, Falanga details his new, suburban landscape from the point of view of a bewildered but gung-ho everyman. From the complex political pecking order in the neighborhood, with its ultracompetitive block parties and its consuming holiday-card rivalry, to the surprises lurking on every corner—such as the twelve-year-old pyromaniac next door and the suspiciously broad-shouldered “lady” on the commuter train—The Suburban You describes in slyly understated prose the vicissitudes of life in the ’burbs.
Don’t be deceived by the title of this book. The Suburban Bitch doesn’t detail the delights and woes of suburban living. On the contrary, this book relives the experiences of a young black woman raised and bred in the ghettoes of Detroit. The reader becomes aware of the suffering and self-sacrifice the young woman struggles with throughout her life. Growing up in a family of sixteen that struggles through hunger, poverty, and despair, a young girl yearns for the all-American dream even as she constantly experiences violence, instability, and hatred growing up and in her first marriage. No matter her obstacles, she strives on patiently, and with determination and perseverance, she finds the meaning of unconditional love. Receiving only violence in her first marriage, fate runs her into the arms of another man, and though she still has the ring on her finger from the first marriage, she weds again. Suddenly, she has the life she has always dreamed of—a life of love. Two husbands, two families, two homes, and only one woman. One strong, beautiful black woman. To all of you ladies that have been riding the train called the bullshit train much too long, we must put a stop to all these liars in our lives. Put us first. Now don’t get me wrong, if he is over twenty-two years old, he’s already gently used. He has six outside kids. Later he wants to tell you those children came as a result of good loving from friendly fire. Most men are full of bullshit—NO EXCEPTIONS. The man I love, will love me, and when he hears my cry, he will pity every groan.