501 Bar Jokes, Stories, Anecdotes, Quips, Quotes, Riddles, and Wisecracks
Author: Michael Lewis
Publisher: Hachette UK
Did you hear the one about the bartender and the rabbi? If not, you?ll find it in this delightful book?along with hundreds of other jokes and funny stories, classic and brand-new?about the denizens of bars, pubs, and watering holes everywhere. Michael Lewis has gathered a wide range of the very best and funniest bar jokes, riddles, anecdotes, and quotations in this rib-tickling (and thirst-inducing) collection. Sure to be a favorite of tipplers of all stripes?and the teetotalers who drive them home?the book also includes bar bets, games, tricks, trivia, and more. Featuring classic "bartoons" opening each chapter, its nifty 5 x 7 trim size makes it a perfect party takealong or barside companion?right next to the cocktail shaker, the jar of olives?and Black Dog?s mega-bestselling New New York Bartender?s Guide.
Lined Notebook Funny Gag Gift For A Stand Up Comic and Comedian. Joke Journal For Stand Up Comedy.
Author: Funny Comedian Notebooks
Guys Walks Into A Bar... joke writing journal has everything you need to brainstorm, write and create the best jokes. Perfect for any aspiring comedian to keep track of all of their creative and amazing thoughts and ideas. All 160 pages are lined college-ruled notebook paper for writing down more spontaneous notes....This humor notebook is specifically designed for stand-up comedians, copywriters, advertising slogan creators, sketch writers, comedy students, and just about anybody who wants to infuse a little humor and jokes in their daily work.Great for taking down notes, reminders, and crafting to-do lists
Here are two Jack Reacher stories first published together in ebook form, now also included in the new Jack Reacher story collection No Middle Name. James Penney's New Identity: In the dry desert of Southern California, James Penney is laid off from the plant after seventeen loyal years of service. With the threat of the bank repossessing his treasured red Firebird, he goes on the run. But why are the cops so hot on his trail? And who is the tall military policeman, built like a weightlifter, who offers him a ride? Guy Walks Into Bar: Just a few minutes before the terrifying opening of Gone Tomorrow, Jack Reacher stops at a bar in lower Manhattan for a late night beer and some music, His eyes are drawn to a rich young Russian girl and her bodyguard. Is she in danger? Who are those two suspicious-looking guys sitting at separate tables, watching her? These two short stories are part of the Storycuts series.
The title play, which had its American premiere at La MaMa in 2012, rivetingly explores the relationship between a nervous older man and a glib young prostitute, as their evening together drives toward a startling conclusion. Also included is the one-act play The Great War, which looks at a divorcing couple and the ground they need to cross to reach their own end of hostilities; In the Beginning, which was written as a response to the Occupy movement and produced around the world in 2012-13 as part of Theatre Uncut; The Wager, the stage version of the film Double or Nothing starring Adam Brody; the two-handers A Guy Walks Into a Bar, Over the River and Through the Woods, and Strange Fruit; and two powerful new monologues, Bad Girl and The Pony of Love.
After making us laugh out loud with 5,000 Great One-Liners, Grant Tucker goes one better with this uproarious sequel! More One-Liners is another hilarious volume of the finest quips, zingers, puns and wisecracks known to humanity. From twists on the classics to modern greats, from A-grade antics to X-rated gags, from jokes you could tell your mother to jokes about yo momma, there's something short, sweet and wickedly clever for everyone in this definitive volume.
Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle
Author: Rachel Dratch
Category: Biography & Autobiography
In this side-splitting memoir, the former Saturday Night Live star recounts the hilarious adventures and unexpected joy of dating and becoming a mother when she least expected it-at the age of forty-four. Anyone who saw an episode of Saturday Night Live between 1999 and 2006 knows Rachel Dratch. She was hilarious! So what happened to her? After a misbegotten part as Jenna on the pilot of 30 Rock, Dratch was only getting offered roles as "Lesbians. Secretaries. Sometimes secretaries who are lesbians." Her career at a low point, Dratch suddenly had time for yoga, dog- sitting, learning Spanish-and dating. After all, what did a forty- something single woman living in New York have to lose? Resigned to childlessness but still hoping for romance, Dratch was out for drinks with a friend when she met John. Handsome and funny, after only six months of dating long-distance, he became the inadvertent father of her wholly unplanned, undreamed-of child, and moved to New York to be a dad. With riotous humor, Dratch recounts breaking the news to her bewildered parents, the awe of her single friends, and the awkwardness of a baby-care class where the instructor kept tossing out the f-word. Filled with great behind-the-scenes anecdotes from Dratch's time on SNL, Girl Walks into a Bar... is a refreshing version of the "happily ever after" story that proves female comics-like bestsellers Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler-are truly having their moment.
A Compendium of Filthy, Uncouth, Lewd, Lusty, and Lascivious Jokes
Author: Rob Loughran
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR.... is the result of twenty years of research. It is, quite simply, the definitive single-volume collection of modern American adult humor: An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "What's new?" The old guy says, "I think my wife died." "You think?" "Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up." A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. "Troubles?" asks the bartender. "I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man." "Why do you think that?" "Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy." A man walks into a bar and says, "Champagne for everybody. On me." "What are you celebrating?" asks the bartender. "I've just discovered why women have pubic hair." "Why?" "It hides the hook." The weekly poker game was at Bob's but he had to baby sit his six year old twin boys. Before they could even deal Bob was off to the other room three times. He returned and another racket ensued. So Randy said, "I'll take care of it." Randy returned and there was silence for an hour. Bob said, "What'd you do, start a movie?" "No," said Randy, "I taught them how to masturbate." What's the most difficult part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay. A teenager goes in for her first gynecological examination. While propped up in the stirrups she asks, "Will this hurt?" "Not if I numb it first." "Okay. Why don't you numb it." The doctor ducks down between her thighs and starts licking, "Num, num, num, num, num." A man walks into the OB-GYN's office and says, "I need some birth control pills." "You," says the doctor, "are a man." "They're not for me, they're for my nine year old daughter." "You have a nine year old daughter that's sexually active?" "I wouldn't actually say active; she just lays there like her mother." What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week. Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts? Cuz they freeze their balls off. What part of the man's body should never move while dancing with a woman? His bowels. What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up. Bob calls in sick to work and his boss asks, "Just how sick are you?" "I'm fucking my grandma in the ass, is that sick enough for you?" A couple has a lovely dinner and then they settle down in front of a fire with two glasses of champagne. "You know," she says, "That scab will never heal if you keep picking at it." "Hey," he says, "it's your lip." The father of a girl with no arms or legs pays his next door neighbor's son to take her to the prom. The girl's dad springs for dinner and a tuxedo as well. After the prom the boy says to the girl, "What do you want to do now?" "I want to make love." "How can we do that? You don't have any arms or legs." "Take me to the park across the street from my house, strip me naked, prop me up on the monkey bars and fuck me from behind." They do it just like that; then he dresses her, puts her in the wheelchair and pushes her back across the street. Her father answers the door and thanks the boy profusely, slipping him an extra $20. "I feel like shit," says the boy, "I just took your daughter's clothes off, wedged her into the monkey bars and fucked her. Keep the $20." "No, you keep it. Most guys just leave her on the monkey bars all night and I have to go get her in the morning." Many many more
When Petey Winthorp, Ashe Blackwell, and Sokko Chung enter the United Friends Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Washington, D.C., they cause a small stir. This trio of forty-five-year-old, lifelong friends is not only recuperating together after a car accident, but one is white, one is black, and one is Chinese. During their rehabilitation, the men entertain the staff with their stories of growing up together as best friends—playing schoolyard games, competing in sports, chasing girls, getting in trouble, attending prom, graduating, and obtaining their first cars and houses. But more importantly, they share how their friendship endured while facing discrimination, racism, and stereotyping fueled by their unique relationship. White Man, Black Man, Chinese Man chronicles the unique and inspiring relationship of Winthorp, Blackwell, and Chung. It provides a glimpse into real-life situations of race, morals, and multiculturalism, and it reveals true insights about the power of racism and the human ability to overcome it.